What the hell was I thinking?!

I had class again today. That was fun *cough* I have nine exams to complete in the next 10wks here, and have to find time to study, plus do my class assignments, study for my skills labs, have a paper done by next Wednesday, all while trying to maintain 32-35hrs of work a week. Its crazy. I am seriously considering forgetting nursing and just stay a Barista for the rest of my life. Less responsibility. I forgot how demanding nursing is, and how important every single detail of my career really is. It all came screaming back to me today while in class. Forget quitting smoking for the next three months. I'll need it to stay SANE! Especially since I had class all day and now get to go to work and close tonight just to turn around and open in the morning.
Shawn has been amazing. He's been watching the kids for me and the kids love him. He comes to practice with us, and basketball games, and I go to bed every night laughing with him, which is awesome! He even made me laugh when I got home from school today.
Shawn and I took the kids to the mall after school yesterday and kept them running around until bedtime. After all the kids were in bed, we cuddled and watched "I Love You, Man" on DVD. It was a funny movie and I enjoyed kicking back and not worrying about everything thats been going on. We are definately looking forward to me finishing my nursing program and my lease being up so we can rent a house to move into. More space for the kids, and us.
My knees have been acting up so badly between my work and school schedule. I park about 4 blocks away from my building to save money on parking and my back pack weighs 21lbs. Its heavy as hell when you are carrying it around downtown with bad knees.

Our past few days

Have been hell in a sense. Things haven't stopped for us at all. Things pretty much ended with Mike over the weekend. Still tying up lose ends there (returning stuff, ect.) and I've been able to get past it.

Class started on Tuesday and I left my house at 6:30am and didn't get home til after 7pm. It was a long and grueling day and I still haven't recovered from it because I have opened at work the past two days and will again tomorrow! I am so looking forward to having my Saturdays off for now on and really need the recovery time.

We had dinner at Laura's house last night. It was a nice little break and I love catching up with her. All seven kids play really well together, so that is a plus.

Due to some unfortunate happenings with a neighbor of mine (that I had nothing to do with since I was not even home), I have had a friend stay with us the past few nights. This girl had some stuff stolen from her and because it happened around my apartment she thinks I'm somehow involved even though the police have cleared my entire family. So at the moment, we are being very careful while outside and in because this girl is livid (regardless that her stuff was returned, or most of it) and wants revenge on someone, ergo the cop told us to watch out til this chick cools down because she might try to harm me until then. Thank God Shawn is here. Besides trying to hit me with her car, I've had no other issues.

Today was time for catch up on chores and cleaning, then its basketball practice tonight and some more errands afterwards. I'm assuming we'll be home around 10pm. I'm exhausted just thinking about it, but thats the life of being a single mom with four kids. It never stops, even for a second. And since I can't get it all done during the day time hours and it needs to get done tonight, its getting done. Going to have some cranky little kids tomorrow.

It All Seems To Come Down To This

Last night was amazing. I somehow survived basketball practice and learned a valuable lesson~bring our portable DVD player to future practice sessions to keep the younger three entertained. Since practice is now about an hour and a half long, I decided that I can get tons of studying done while I'm there if the little ones are watching a movie. And I don't miss out on watching my son!
I had a failure moment as a mom last night. I was bitching to Mike on the phone about the kids school and said fuck. All the kids were in the van with me and Ryker screams out, "FUCK!" as loud as he can. Of course I burst into laughter. Shame on me. Apparently I will not be winning any mother of the year awards this time around. Oh well.

I am pretty much ready for classes to start on Tuesday. Just scared shitless. You've heard people complain about things not working out for them. You hear it all the time. However, for me, its different. I HAVE to succeed. I HAVE TO! I have no choice. I somehow have to manage full time school, working full time, maintaining an A average, while raising my kids alone. No choice for me. Seriously. If I fail, my kids suffer. I don't have time to fail. I don't have the money to do this again. There is no room for error in my life. Not anywhere. I'm not quite sure yet how I will pull this all off, but I know it will happen somehow. I have to. No choice. No other options. Its very daunting knowing that all this rests on my shoulders alone. Its scary as hell. I need to transfer my nursing license to Texas so I can actually provide for my children adequately instead of figuring out how to stretch $100 for food and gas over a two week period.
Lots of people claim how hard their life is, and I'm sure it seems that way to them. And I might be a cold hearted bitch right now, but those people make me really mad right now. All I want is for them to live in my shoes for a few weeks. They can try to figure out how to stretch pennies while attending school full time and working full time. No help. If I don't clean, the house stays a shithole. If I don't do laundry, it won't get done. If I don't pull in at least 35hrs a week, my rent doesn't get paid and we are homeless. If I don't make straight A's then that means that my finals will be harder. There is no break from the kids. If I need a night off, then its paying a sitter. Who has money for that? I sure as hell don't!
I went to breakfast this morning with a good friend of mine. We ate at IHop since they have the unlimited pancakes. Cheap breakfast. And I'm so full I shouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the day. We bitched about our divorces, being single moms, stupid happy couples, and surviving. Nothing like that to boost your spirits in life. I have a renewed sense of spirit after seeing Mike last night and my friend this morning. I know somehow it will all work out, and at the moment I can see the light at the end of the tunnel again. If I can just stayed focused and not let anyone bring me down. I really wish I could employ a maid service, but since I can't, I am just going to put more pressure on the children to help me keep this house clean. I can't do it alone.
I look back at how far I've come these past nine months, and see how much further I still have to go. I know it will get better if I can just endure a little bit longer. Enduring is always easier said than done. But I know I'm up for the challenge. Luckily I am motivated by challenges instead of put off. If someone tells me it can't be done, I have to prove them wrong. Its how I managed to maintain a $700 a month apartment without welfare making a lousy $8 per hour. Everyone told me that moving far away that I wouldn't make it. I am proving them all wrong. I know it can be done, because I'm doing it. And the best part is that my children are not suffering. They are so amazing and I love them. Everything I am doing is for them. They are literally my reason for being alive.

Rough Few Days

Occasionally I will hit a down hill slope. It happened yesterday for me. I seriously fell into depression last night, complete with anxiety to top it all off. I knew better than calling my ex during my lunch break at work, but I did it anyhow. I asked him to contribute $100 a month toward my child care expenses to help me offset my costs since I'm not pulling in as many hours these past few weeks and my gas expense is going up as I have to drive to Dallas weekly for school now. He was pretty pissed. After ranting to me about how he didn't have the money (and when I told him I didn't have it, he flipped and claimed he didn't either) I was livid. Its not my fault I'm in this situation and I know that things are tight for him, but they are more so for me! And I don't have sympathy for him because its his fault I had to start all over with my kids.

By the time I got home, I was still angry as hell. Then the kids started fighting. I lost it. After yelling at them, I broke down into tears and cried for the next several hours off and on. I wound up crying myself to sleep last night. I was so mad I even punched the wall which did nothing to abate my anger and now my hand is bruised. Sad thing is that the only thing that got me through the night mentally last night was smoking. I freaking chain smoked like no one's business last night, which just pissed me off this morning because I can't afford to smoke, especially chain smoking!

Apparently my mood was not well hidden this morning when I got to work. Dave took one look at me and asked me what happened and was I okay. I told him I was fine and asked why he asked, and his reply was simply, "You look really upset." Nice. Apparently I wasn't fooling anyone.

What upsets me the most about all of this is usually I am very in control of my emotions. I can hide bad moods like nobody's business and I don't cry very easily and haven't since I was 17yrs old. However, it doesn't seem to take much any more to have me bursting into tears randomly. I'm so emotionally exhausted knowing that three of my four kids really only have me to depend on that I can't even find it in me to care about others problems and issues. They all seem so trivial compared to what I'm going through. Even the Haiti earthquake I have no emotional response for. Not because I'm uncaring but because I don't have any more emotions left to give. I have officially hit numb today.

Just Another Day In Paradise

Today was fun *cough*. I woke up with a headache and felt very sick to my stomach. Couldn't figure it out. I even had to turn down breakfast with my friend because all I wanted to do was puke. I took the kids to school and came back home to crash again. I woke up a little after eleven to Ryker off the bus. I stayed up for about an hour then crashed again until two. After that I got up and started getting around. I drove to Wal Mart to pick up a few more supplies I need to start school next Tuesday (have I mentioned that I flipping HATE Walmart with a passion?!) and still couldn't shake that nasty feeling. When I got home I hit the tub and thats when I found it~a spider bite on my leg. Its the second one I've had in 2.5yrs and those suckers kick my ass every single time. Its crazy. I popped some Benedryl and I'm hoping that keeps my leg from swelling up like it did last time.

Mike and I took all five kids out to dinner this evening. It was enjoyable. I was able to eat, thanks to the Benedryl, but then I dozed off at his house afterwards so I didn't get home and get the kids in bed til after nine. And instead of going to bed myself, which is where I belong, I now get to fold laundry and make sure the kids have uniforms to wear tomorrow. Ahh, the joys of being a single parent.

My next day off is next Saturday, the 23rd of January. I want to cry just thinking about that. I seriously don't know how I do it sometimes. I know I'll make it through though. I have to. I have no choice. There are four people who depend on me to do everything and I can't let them down. Failing to my family and friends, oh well. They can suck it up and get over it. But I can't be a failure to my children. They deserve better than that. And after all, their opinions are the only ones that matter anyway.

Dating is fun! *hint the sarcasm*

Dating brings on a whole new concept in my life. Dating as an adult is a whole lot dating than dating as a teenager. As a teenager, you are looking for fun and just having a good time. Yeah, the idea of having babies and getting married are usually your ultimate goal, but its still a fantasy that you can only dream of. Even when I was a single teenage mom, dating was still fun. I had no desire on finding a "dad" for my son. I was just having fun.

However dating now is a whole new world for me. First off, since I am a single mom of four kids, I actually have to pick and choose "worthy" candidates. Stuff I would have put up with from guys I dated as a teenager doesn't fly. I'm pretty lenient on a lot of things, but there are some huge deal breakers that I had never even considered before.
The main thing is that I do have four kids. I have met some pretty remarkable men who find everything about me perfect except "the four kids." Its amazing how many people are scared off by children. Mind you, I understand how big of a commitment having four kids really is, as I am raising them alone, but its really not that different than having two, except the noise volume and the laundry. And while I have dated casually since leaving my ex just for fun, those dates seem to break me down in a way. I am looking for a partner, an equal partner.
This guy I'm dating is pretty spectacular. He has a son that he has custody of, so even I will admit that throwing all five children together tends to be hectic at times. But I love it. I love the hustle and bustle of a big "family" and I absolutely love this little boy! Jumping in head first seems to be the only way I will be able to do this, and if it ends up with heartache, then I will just cope I guess. Mind you, I don't trust easily and the fact that I do trust this guy scares me. It usually takes a long time before I'm willing to submit full trust to someone.

Just Getting Started

So as most of my friends have one of these, I decided to take the plunge and go ahead and sign up. Not quite sure how this will all turn out, but what the hell. I really have nothing to lose by going for this.

So update real quickly for those who do not know what is going on. I left my husband back in April of 2009 due to him doing something illegal that ruined our family. I have never once gone back and will never go back. The children and I moved back to Texas in June, the day after school got out. We started over from scratch. By scratch I mean that we had nothing~no job, no money, no home, no furniture, nothing. By the grace of god and some very good friends and family members pitching in, I secured an apartment, a job, and furnishings for our new home and life. I am in the process of transferring my PA state LPN nursing license to Texas, and to do that I have to take a refresher course. I begin that on Jan 19th, and I'll be doing 150 credit hours of course work in 11wks. Then I begin my clinicals, which are 80hrs (excluding lunches and meetings) so I'll be doing that in April for three weeks. Basically in April, I'll be working from 3-11pm Mon-Fri at a hospital, while also pulling in almost 40hrs a week at my current job. Translation~I won't see my kids for three weeks and am going to be relying on friends to help me out watching them.

Its been rough for us, but things are starting to look up. I'll be filing for divorce in less than a month (think tax return) and just started dating a wonderful guy about three weeks ago. I have no clue where our relationship is heading, as I do have four children and taking on four kids is a lot to ask of anyone. I'm just letting things fall where they may, and trying not to sweat the small stuff right now because in all honesty, my patience has been pushed to the max!