Rough Few Days

Occasionally I will hit a down hill slope. It happened yesterday for me. I seriously fell into depression last night, complete with anxiety to top it all off. I knew better than calling my ex during my lunch break at work, but I did it anyhow. I asked him to contribute $100 a month toward my child care expenses to help me offset my costs since I'm not pulling in as many hours these past few weeks and my gas expense is going up as I have to drive to Dallas weekly for school now. He was pretty pissed. After ranting to me about how he didn't have the money (and when I told him I didn't have it, he flipped and claimed he didn't either) I was livid. Its not my fault I'm in this situation and I know that things are tight for him, but they are more so for me! And I don't have sympathy for him because its his fault I had to start all over with my kids.

By the time I got home, I was still angry as hell. Then the kids started fighting. I lost it. After yelling at them, I broke down into tears and cried for the next several hours off and on. I wound up crying myself to sleep last night. I was so mad I even punched the wall which did nothing to abate my anger and now my hand is bruised. Sad thing is that the only thing that got me through the night mentally last night was smoking. I freaking chain smoked like no one's business last night, which just pissed me off this morning because I can't afford to smoke, especially chain smoking!

Apparently my mood was not well hidden this morning when I got to work. Dave took one look at me and asked me what happened and was I okay. I told him I was fine and asked why he asked, and his reply was simply, "You look really upset." Nice. Apparently I wasn't fooling anyone.

What upsets me the most about all of this is usually I am very in control of my emotions. I can hide bad moods like nobody's business and I don't cry very easily and haven't since I was 17yrs old. However, it doesn't seem to take much any more to have me bursting into tears randomly. I'm so emotionally exhausted knowing that three of my four kids really only have me to depend on that I can't even find it in me to care about others problems and issues. They all seem so trivial compared to what I'm going through. Even the Haiti earthquake I have no emotional response for. Not because I'm uncaring but because I don't have any more emotions left to give. I have officially hit numb today.