I have the sudden overwhelming urge to stop what I am doing and sit down for a few moments to blog about the ugly truth behind family pictures. That cute adorable little thing that you mail off to relatives and your mother is not factual. Infact, it is a bold face lie. Everyone is sitting, looking wonderful and loving, but there is nothing loving about family pictures. First, you are required to clean all of your children. That's right. ALL OF THEM! It is frowned upon if you show up to have pictures taken in your true form, which is chocolate on the kids, gum in someone's hair, and unmatching clothing because your 4yr old has taken pleasure in dressing himself! For those of you who only have one or two kids, you might still be living in fantasy land. With five kids, the best thing to do is take your shower before you bathe the children. Shawn argued this point with me. He still lives in fantasy land where he believes that it is best to get the kids wet and soapy before you, since obviously you will get soaked in the shower of the children process. However, I know best. I know that by bathing yourself first, you ensure hot water for your own shower. No doubt one of the children will use up all our hot water.
After you make sure the older three are clean, and you scrub the younger two without drowning them, you have to dress them. This entails raiding closets for clothing that not only do not have stains on them, but look nice and MATCH!!!! I'm not insane enough to think all five kids will match. I've seen pictures like this where every member of the family is wearing the same color, and that is just not practical. The most I can hope for is the boys matching and the girls matching. Usually I'm satisfied with the same style, everyone in long sleeves for instance.
After you spend a good HOUR picking out clothing for the five kids, you then have to raid your own closet. Finding something for yourself is usually pretty easy. It's the husband that causes problems. Of course he demands you pick out his clothing. This might sound like a perfect solution, but it really isn't. You have to find something nice that he would wear for pictures. All those nice shirts tucked in the back of his closet, stay away from those. They either do not fit, itch, or something he would not be caught dead in. And if you have the joy of being married to someone like my husband, you have to pick out a damn hat as well. Even if he has agreed to be hatless during the picture, he has to wear the hat from your home to the damn portrait studio. And the hat is expected to match the clothing he will be wearing.
Then comes the hair. We are the type of family who just shaves our sons heads. So we are only cursed with the hair of two little girls. Who can't sit still. Ever. And have to touch their hair. This means that I can not do their hair until about an hour before we leave and pray to god that it stays in place. By the time all of this is done and you get into the car to leave for pictures, everyone is in a pretty foul mood. There is no love being felt. There is only glares and someone complaining about hating the shirt they are wearing from the back seat, and front sometimes as well.
Once you get to the studio, you are expected to pose with all five children and have ALL FIVE KIDS LOOK AT THE CAMERA WHILE SMILING! Unfortunately this is near impossible. If you manage to get all the kids looking where they are suppose to, the parents are so excited they have to turn to eachother and congratulate eachother on their awesome parenting skills, thus ruining the photo. Twenty seven shots later, you will most likely come up with something respectable to mail off to relatives and friends. You will then be called and congratulated on your beautiful family. Just remember to grit your teeth and say thank you. You wouldn't want to destroy the fantasy land your relatives live in by revealing that you had to threaten to ground your children if they didn't sit still and smile, or threaten to chop off your oldest's hand if he makes bunny ears on his siblings one more time! Just remember not to reveal that your husband threatened to run away if you ever subject him to this again. No, it is much kinder to just say, "Thank you, we had so much fun!" After all, someone else might just look at this picture of your perfect family of seven and think to themselves, "By god, if they can do it, so can we! Lets have another kid!" Misery really does love company.
