Last night was amazing. I somehow survived basketball practice and learned a valuable lesson~bring our portable DVD player to future practice sessions to keep the younger three entertained. Since practice is now about an hour and a half long, I decided that I can get tons of studying done while I'm there if the little ones are watching a movie. And I don't miss out on watching my son!
I had a failure moment as a mom last night. I was bitching to Mike on the phone about the kids school and said fuck. All the kids were in the van with me and Ryker screams out, "FUCK!" as loud as he can. Of course I burst into laughter. Shame on me. Apparently I will not be winning any mother of the year awards this time around. Oh well.
I am pretty much ready for classes to start on Tuesday. Just scared shitless. You've heard people complain about things not working out for them. You hear it all the time. However, for me, its different. I HAVE to succeed. I HAVE TO! I have no choice. I somehow have to manage full time school, working full time, maintaining an A average, while raising my kids alone. No choice for me. Seriously. If I fail, my kids suffer. I don't have time to fail. I don't have the money to do this again. There is no room for error in my life. Not anywhere. I'm not quite sure yet how I will pull this all off, but I know it will happen somehow. I have to. No choice. No other options. Its very daunting knowing that all this rests on my shoulders alone. Its scary as hell. I need to transfer my nursing license to Texas so I can actually provide for my children adequately instead of figuring out how to stretch $100 for food and gas over a two week period.
Lots of people claim how hard their life is, and I'm sure it seems that way to them. And I might be a cold hearted bitch right now, but those people make me really mad right now. All I want is for them to live in my shoes for a few weeks. They can try to figure out how to stretch pennies while attending school full time and working full time. No help. If I don't clean, the house stays a shithole. If I don't do laundry, it won't get done. If I don't pull in at least 35hrs a week, my rent doesn't get paid and we are homeless. If I don't make straight A's then that means that my finals will be harder. There is no break from the kids. If I need a night off, then its paying a sitter. Who has money for that? I sure as hell don't!
I went to breakfast this morning with a good friend of mine. We ate at IHop since they have the unlimited pancakes. Cheap breakfast. And I'm so full I shouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the day. We bitched about our divorces, being single moms, stupid happy couples, and surviving. Nothing like that to boost your spirits in life. I have a renewed sense of spirit after seeing Mike last night and my friend this morning. I know somehow it will all work out, and at the moment I can see the light at the end of the tunnel again. If I can just stayed focused and not let anyone bring me down. I really wish I could employ a maid service, but since I can't, I am just going to put more pressure on the children to help me keep this house clean. I can't do it alone.
I look back at how far I've come these past nine months, and see how much further I still have to go. I know it will get better if I can just endure a little bit longer. Enduring is always easier said than done. But I know I'm up for the challenge. Luckily I am motivated by challenges instead of put off. If someone tells me it can't be done, I have to prove them wrong. Its how I managed to maintain a $700 a month apartment without welfare making a lousy $8 per hour. Everyone told me that moving far away that I wouldn't make it. I am proving them all wrong. I know it can be done, because I'm doing it. And the best part is that my children are not suffering. They are so amazing and I love them. Everything I am doing is for them. They are literally my reason for being alive.
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